Everyone is a Critic

Everyone is a Critic!

“If the soup had been as warm as the wine, if the wine had been as old as the turkey, if the turkey had had a breast like the maid, it would have been a swell dinner.”  Duncan Hines

These days, it seems everyone likes to criticize. Even Miami Heat forward Lebron James is being told he sucks.  I've heard it all during my years as a restaurant manager.  Comments like, the waiter was horrible, the food was atrocious, and the décor is simply deplorable.  Dining out seems to bring out the professional food critic in everyone.  Restaurant review websites like BooRah, Chowhound, TripAdvisor and Yelp offer deals, coupons, and detailed information you will not find when visiting an individual restaurants’ website.   Whether you need information on Jimmy’s Bronx Café in New York or the Old Beijing Zhajiang Noodle King in China, computer-chair critics are dishing out the good, bad and ugly.  These reviews are useful tools for consumers eager to find the perfect spot to drop some hard earned cash, but are they really?  Here are a few tips to consider when  reading or writing restaurant reviews.

When reading reviews, I place them into four distinct categories.  

1. VENGEFUL, also known as the CHRONIC.  A person you might find in the 10 items or less line with a cart full of groceries.  You’ve seen them at a restaurant, demanding to see the manager, while expecting some form of discount or a free meal.  They are looking for what is wrong with a restaurant, while sabotaging what might otherwise be a nice dining experience.    They just can't hide the hate and anger, while searching for attention.

2. SCREW YOU, also known as the UP YOURS. These are submitted by the restaurant down the street whose business is just months away from putting up a permanent we’re closed sign.  Instead of spending time making their own restaurant better, it's easier to try to bring the competition down.  In some cases, they're ex-employees who are looking to damage the reputation of their former place of employment.  If only showing up for work had been as important as slamming their ex-employer.

3. THEY MADE ME DO IT, also known as the KISS ASS.  This reviewer is submitting a surreal version of a dining experience at the request of the owner or management.  Every detail of the review is just too unbelievable.  Often this person is a one and done reviewer.  Maybe the free dessert they received makes them feel better about this shameful attempt to boost a restaurants website rating.  Often, friends or employees of the establishment are involved.  The usage of employee names, specific pricing and meticulous details in the review immediately put up a red flag for me.

4. AUTHENTIC, also known as THE TRUTH.  This review is being done without a motive, and gives owners, management and staff an unbiased look at what was observed during their dinner.  These reviewers have fun, while following the rules of writing a review on these websites.  These reviews will save you money and help you avoid making the mistake of picking a substandard restaurant.

Although category 1 reviews are often too bad to believe, even a chronic complainer occasionally will write something that might be useful.  The majority of established review websites filter out submissions that appear to lack content integrity.  I know for a fact that TripAdvisor will not post a review until it is reviewed by their staff, but there are plenty of phoney reviews that still make the cut.

These new-age computer savvy critics don’t seem to mind who they might offend.  They can be blunt, harsh and incredibly  insightful, while topics like server body odor and bathroom cleanliness are certainly not off limits.  Often times they expose what local newspaper food critics can’t or will not write about.  Newspaper critics often don’t want to offend a current or future advertiser in their publication.  

After reading thousands of reviews that punish restaurants and their staff, I’m reminded of a famous quote I heard when I was younger.   “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.”  Maybe that’s why these critics are hundreds of miles away when a review is submitted?  In my opinion, the majority of reviewers are trying to help fellow consumers locate the hidden gems, while avoiding potential dining disasters.

Below is an actual review submitted on TripAdvisor for Il Tesora Italian Restaurant in Sanibel Florida.

 

“THE WORST...STAY AWAY”

Reviewed June 13, 2011 - NEW 
We had eaten here last year and had a so so experience. My husband wanted to go back. The restaurant has gotten even worse. 
They are so superior and snotty. We read all the reviews. It ended up being a sketch from Saturday Night Live.
"And the Dover Sole, is that all the way from Dover, Delaware?"  "Yes, Ma’am, it is."
"And the price?"  "ahhhh. I believe it's $50."
We suppressed our laughter, and the waiter was not amused. I think he trained at the Academy of Faux Servers expected to sell the "specials" which were anything but.
Bad, bad restaurant. We had a glass of wine and then left, laughing.  Someone should do a reality show on this place.

Writing reviews is something I personally enjoy, and I’ll offer just a few suggestions before you head to the keyboard.

1. Don’t just write a review after a bad experience. There is surely some good in this world, right?

2. Write the review the following day. I call this the “cool-off period.” 

3. Be specific about whom or what prompted you to write the review, except if it’s an angry wife (you can leave that out.)

4. Don’t let the review be one-sided.  Try to include a few good things in a bad review, and a few constructive criticisms in a good review.

5.  Include the comments of the guests you dined with.  They may have perceived things differently.

6. Swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  A lawyer friend once told me, “There are three sides to every story; yours, theirs, and the truth.”  Remember, embellishing a story can sometimes make it less believable, even if the information is credible.  Keep you review simple and leave the thesaurus out of it.

Now, get out there and make your 10^th grade English teacher proud(thanks Mrs. Daley!).  Write reviews that are grammatically correct, while helping readers choose a restaurant that is sure to impress their dining guests.  Follow my advice, and soon you'll be wondering why you have never researched restaurants before.  You'll look like a genius when every restaurant you choose is a winner.

Remember to enjoy your dining experiences, and when you get to the host desk, tell ‘em Brian sent you!