The Name Game

The Name Game

Not that name game.  Although, if you started singing Lincoln-Lincoln-Bo-Binkin, Bo-Banana-Fana-Fo-Finkin, I really wouldn’t blame you.  Shirley Ellis’ Name Game also known as the Banana song did reach #3 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1964.  Don't click on Shirley's picture to the left with children in the room, you'll be sorry.

I’m talking about the name game that has been plaguing the restaurant industry for years.

Back in the 1990’s I was a manager at a resort island restaurant in Sanibel Florida. I noticed a trend had started among our celebrity guests when they called to make reservations.  They were not using their real names.  To put it simply, they were using names like, well, my last name.  They had money, fame, and now they were looking to use average household names when making reservations?

After years of working in the business, and hundreds of hours of study, I mastered the rules of reservations.  A Guest calls in and is asked for a reservation time and their name.  Had I missed something?  I don’t recall reading anything during my studies regarding using a fake name, but I guess the reservation rules didn’t apply to everyone.  Guys like Chris Berman, Ted Koppel, and Wilfred Brimley weren’t using phony names, but Andre Agassi, Roger Clemens, and Dan Quayle were.  That was it!  It was, after what I now refer to as the ‘Dan Quayle Incident’, that I decided to strike back, and start a common man version of this disturbing celebrity name game.  I would be taking the names from the rich and giving them to the poor. By poor, I was referring to me.

In 2000, I would make my first restaurant reservation using one of their names.  I called a local hot spot as Robert De Niro. I needed a private table for two at 8 PM and would appreciate not waiting.  “The Robert De Niro?” the hostess jokingly asked.  My response was a quick, “You talkin’ to me?” 

“Okay Mr. De Niro, you’re all set!” she said in an excited voice.  When I arrived, my table was ready with a complimentary order of bruschetta on it!  The disappointment on the faces of the staff didn’t stop my girlfriend and me from having a great dinner.  Sorry, but I love bruschetta!

The game was on!  I would do the opposite of everything I had ever learned about making a restaurant reservation.  I was like the Opposite George Costanza episode from Seinfeld.  “Up was down, black was white, good was bad, and day was night!” 
 

There was a little trial and error, but I found athlete’s names seemed to work best, while using mega-celebrity names like Oprah Winfrey or Angelina Jolie didn’t work at all.  I used names like Derek Jeter, Ron Jeremy, and George Clooney.  During a Las Vegas trip I called as Siegfried and Roy, and it worked like magic!  When restaurants didn’t take reservations, or were completely booked, I would pull out my secret weapon.  “That’s right; Tom Cruise and his wife were coming in for dinner.  I would always call from a pay phone or blocked cell phone number, and if I was asked for a phone number, I didn’t give one.  Remember, a celebrity of my stature would never give out their personal or hotel number.

  
The last decade of dining out has been great, but hasn’t been without incident.  Years of playing the game has taken its toll on my psyche.   I had gotten cocky, careless, and started to make amateurish mistakes.  
My arrogance had pushed me to choose names that were too close to the edge.

Last year I made a reservation as General David Petraeus while visiting Virginia.  I was a bit embarrassed when I showed up for my 9 PM to find a marching band, several media outlets, and the local color guard waiting for their national hero.  The ‘national hero’ phrase appeared on several hand-made signs that had been crafted by the children of a local school for the blind. When I arrived at the hostess desk, I pretended not to have a reservation and calmly asked, “What’s going on outside?” 

This past February, my wife Angelique made a reservation at Prime 112 in Miami, under the name Madonna.  When we arrived, Dennis Rodman, Vanilla Ice and Sandra Bernhard were waiting impatiently in the lobby for the real Madonna.  A few bad booty calls, and Madonna gets are stalked for life? It was a sad to see how desperate these once mighty celebrities had become.  When I returned home to Fort Myers, eight CD’s went right in the trash.  Oh yes, it’s true!  Vanilla Ice had eight different CD releases.   

These past mistakes have led me to proclaim the only rule of the name game is; don’t use names that cross the line.  I have since rededicated myself to the name game, and in May rebounded with a wonderful, less damaging night out.  While visiting Boston I made a late night reservation for four under Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz’s name.  I used my best Latin accent on the phone, and told the man, “You can put it under Big Papi, and a few players might be joining me.”  Needless to say, there were many disappointed fans when a white man checked in under Ortiz.  Those ‘players’ I mentioned, were three out of shape, balding forty-something high school friends, who planned to go dancing later and try to pick up twenty-something woman.  Remember; don’t try this when the Red Sox are out of town.

Now that you know what the name game is, join my fight for reservation equality.  Isn’t it about time you add a little fun to your nights out?  Be creative and use your imagination when making a reservation, and try not to laugh.  Give it a try and remember there aren’t any name police that are going to show up when you arrive at the restaurant, unless of course you are impersonating an Army General.  By the way, the charges were eventually dropped and I did get a free meal during the ten hours I spent in that military holding cell.

Have a great night out, and when you get to the host desk, tell ‘em Arnold Schwarzenegger sent you! I mean Brian!  Please leave comments and answer the poll question.  Thanks!

Brian Silveira is a restaurateur and food lover from Fort Myers, Florida.