Don’t Have a Cow, Man!

June 5, 2004 was a day that would change my life forever.  I had a blind date at 8 PM at Tommy Bahamas Restaurant in Naples Florida.  I'd like to say that I was on time, but she would tell you that she was just about to leave when I finally arrived.  In my defense I was delayed at work, and I did call to let her know I would be late.  Dinner was great, I begged for a goodnight kiss, and I was hooked. 

About a year later, I finally summoned the courage to mention the “M” word.  I think I knew I wanted to marry her when I met her, but I didn’t want to seem too anxious.  She told me “If you want to marry me, it’s going cost you.”  The first thing that crossed my mind was “Yeah, fifty percent in a divorce court five years from now, right?”  “Not even close,” she said.

You see, she is from Rwanda Africa, and in her culture, I would be responsible for paying a dowry if I had intentions of marrying her.  She explained that I would have to negotiate the price of that dowry with her father, but hinted the amount would be close to two hundred.  I was by no means a rich man, but I usually carried more than two hundred in my pocket at any given time.  I decided that I would offer her father three hundred, so it wouldn’t appear that I was cheap.  That’s when she told me, the dowry was two hundred cows, not dollars!  “African cows with big horns, and not those small inexpensive American cows” she said.  Wow, that wasn’t going to be a cheap dowry after all, but I did love her.  It was time for me to do what any hopeless romantic would do; Google search.  I needed to make sure she wasn’t pulling my leg. 

 

My search produced instant results, and it turned out this dowry thing was indeed real.  Depending on the culture, dowries can be given by the future groom, bride or their families.  I would have to man-up and pay, unless of course she wasn’t really from Rwanda as she had led me to believe.  Finally, my membership to Ancestry.com would pay off.

If I could prove she was from the Sudan, I would save thousands of dollars.  The brutal civil war that has been raging in the Sudan for the past 40 years has so disrupted agriculture that cattle are rarely given any more.  Instead, families pledge to give cattle once the war is over and the way things look, that wouldn’t be anytime soon.  I would just have to adorn a Dinka tribesmen outfit and jump as high as possible during a ceremonial dance.  I’m not quite sure her dad would be impressed with my twelve inch vertical leap, but it would gain me his daughter’s hand in marriage.  However, the thought of a torn ACL left me looking for another solution.

If she was Ethiopian, once we were married she would get paid housekeeper's wages, and would not be eligible for any inheritance. Our children however would legally qualify for an inheritance, but if I had a vasectomy, my bank account would be safe.  Nah, I really want children and my ancestry search verified she was Rwandese.  I needed another solution.

I could take the intellectual route, and argue the exorbitant dowries requested by African families for their daughters were creating a social, cultural and health crisis.  It might be a tough sell to her dad though.  I could also seek a simple reduction in the dowry by questioning her parent’s social standing or even her virginity.  That plan wasn’t going to work because her parents had a royal bloodline, and at age 32 I was certain she was still a virgin. 

It was then I read an old African proverb that said “A man without a wife is like a vase without flowers.”  Enough was enough; I didn’t want to be an empty vase for the rest of my life.  It was time to sit down with her and work this out.  I loved her and needed to do the right thing here; I needed to negotiate and make a counter offer.  I had once negotiated a great price on my home, so how hard could this be?  My strategy was to start low and stay there.  

My starting offer was three cows, a pig and four chickens.  Her father was not amused and firmly said “two hundred cows.”  I decided to “sweeten the pot” by adding two goats and a bag of feed.  Again, his response was “two hundred cows.”  As he walked out of the room I said, “Did I mention they were female goats?”  I followed him to the living room and made a solid final offer of ten cows.  This sixty five year old man then turned to me and threw a left cross that knocked me to the floor.  

As I wiped the blood from my lip, I wasn’t sure he had refused my final offer until he put what appeared to be a curse on me, slammed the front door as went out for his pre-nap walk.  As I stumbled to stand up, I had an Oprah AHA moment.  I had made a decision, and would marry her twin sister and screw the dowry.  She had several moles on her face and a small mustache, but the savings were hard to pass up.  

I know what you’re thinking and I can tell you, she was undoubtedly a virgin too.  On April 21, 2011 we celebrated five years of marital bliss.  Thank God for facial waxing.

Brian Silveira is a comedian, restaurateur and food lover from Fort Myers, Florida.

Don't have a cow, man! I didn’t marry the twin sister, but I still haven’t paid the dowry and that’s no bull!  My wife Angelica and I are still together, until she reads this story.

Jackpot!

During the past few months the stress of trying to find a job has been wearing me down.  Sure, I have my blog to keep me busy, but full-time employment and a steady paycheck would really put me at ease.  When people ask me how I have kept my sanity during this tough time, I am always quick to respond with something positive.  “Things could be worse, right?” is the phrase I’ve been using lately.  I think it lets people know that I’m aware that others are suffering more than I am.

I am an optimist who has always believed that good things come to good people, but lately I was losing faith.  It seemed as if my American dream was fading, when a lucky e-mail changed everything.  As I read this life-changing letter, the adage “It is always darkest before the dawn” came to mind.  The pain and suffering of my failed job searches were quickly becoming distant memories, as excitement overwhelmed me.  

I would never have to work again!  I would be traveling, driving a new Ferrari and living in a million dollar home. All of the positive thoughts during a very trying period in my life were finally paying off, and paying off big.  The e-mail was perfectly clear to me, I had hit the jackpot.

Dear Sir/Madam:
I am Barrister Samir Emad, an Indonesian attorney at law. A deceased client of mine, that shares the same last name as yours died as the result of a heart-related condition on March 12th 2005. His heart condition was due to
the death of all the members of his family in the tsunami disaster on the 26th December 2004 in Sumatra Indonesia. And in the record there is no known successor to this deposit of the deceased who died without a will.

My late Client has a deposit of Eighteen Million Dollars left behind.
Contact me via my private email account for more information: barrsamiremad@yahoo.com.cn

Best regards,
Samir Emad
Attorney at Law

Your eyes aren’t deceiving you.  I had just inherited eighteen million dollars from a relative in Indonesia.  That’s 18, followed by 6 zero’s baby!  Okay, I know what you’re thinking.  Would Brian have to pay taxes on this money?  Under current federal tax codes, the answer is, yes I would.  Even after taxes, I would still be getting over twelve million dollars, free and clear.  The biggest problem I was facing now, was whether that Ferrari was going to be a 458 Italia or 599 GTO. 

After a few E-mail’s, the lawyer Samir contacted me by phone. Samir was so helpful and told me he would handle everything, except telling me how to spend the money.  Okay, at this point you’re probably as concerned as I was.  Was it possible I suffered from the same heart-related condition that killed the person that left me all this money?  Wouldn’t that just be my luck?  There’s no need for anyone to worry about my health.  Although he wasn’t a doctor, Samir reassured me there was no chance I would suffer as his client did.  Surprisingly, Samir had checked my genetic history prior to contacting me, and said “you have no defects Mr. Brian.” 

I would simply have to pay a few processing fees of $39,528 and the money would be mailed to me.  As I prepared to empty the remainder of my 401K, I started to have second thoughts.  Samir had never asked for my mailing address.  Something didn’t seem right.  When Samir called again, he quickly explained he already had my address.  He had found it in the paperwork of my deceased benefactor.   He explained, telling me the address on the phone was dangerous. Criminals could be listening to our conversation and try steal the money before it got to me.  Clearly, Samir had done this before and was simply protecting my money.  The next day I was going to send Samir his processing fees and start my new life as a millionaire.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt rejuvenated.  Before I headed out to make the wire transfer to Samir, I was reading my e-mails and was stunned when I read the following:

I am Dr Samir Emad Governor Central Bank of Nigeria(CBN).  

There is counter claims on your funds presently by one Mr.Jones Tsai, who is trying to make us believe 

that you are dead and even explained that you had an agreement with him, to help you in receiving 

your part payment of $27.0Million US, kindly reconfirm 

to us, for your urgent release of the Premium immediately.

Reconfirm the above information to avoid making payment to a wrong person.

Dr Samir Emad

Governor Central Bank of Nigeria. 

There were actually two Samir Emad’s who had millions for me? I was now certain of one thing;  Sending any money to the lawyer Samir would be a terrible mistake.  Instead of wasting my time trying to get just eighteen million, I would start dealing with the doctor Samir.  I would just have to prove I wasn’t dead, and the twenty seven million would be mine.  That’s 27, with 6 zero’s baby!   I had hit Jackpot again!  I’ll let you all know when I get the money.

Brian Silveira is a restaurateur and food lover from Fort Myers, Florida.

It’s Prime Time Baby!

Recently, I had dinner at one of my favorite restaurants Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.  Ruth’s is a bit pricey, but never disappoints!   I don’t personally own Ruth’s stock (RUTH), but the word on the street is Blue Horseshoe(Wall Street) loves Ruth’s.  As for my dinner out with my beautiful wife, I ordered the man-sized corn fed filet mignon, while she opted for the lamb chops.  As for the filet, it melted in my mouth and I wished there was more than just a measly nine ounce cut of this scrumptious U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prime Midwestern beef.  I finished the last bite and glanced down at an empty white plate, while loosening my belt and releasing a sigh.  As I returned from the restroom and prepared to order dessert, I was thankful I had passed on the side order of asparagus.  While ordering the cheesecake, I decided that this meal, and in particular the filet, needed some press.  Why were Ruth’s filets always so good?  

The answer is, its USDA prime baby!  Nothing but the best and the best is what Ruth’s Chris serves.  Unfortunately, the truth was about to set me free.  While researching this article, a trip to Ruth’s website menu (http://www.ruthschris.com/Menu/Signature-Steaks) revealed their filet mignons aren’t USDA prime after all.  For years I‘ve been paying the top dollar for Ruth’s filet mignon, only to find out I was wrong about the quality.  Boy, do I hate being wrong.  In an effort to ease my pain, I needed to know what would possibly lead me to believe Ruth’s serves only USDA prime filet.  As it turns out, it’s their logo.  

Before I get ahead of myself, here are some facts you’ll need to know. 

The USDA has eight grades of beef.  Most restaurants serve three of these grades (PRIME, CHOICE and SELECT).  Prime is the highest quality grade designation in terms of tenderness, juiciness and flavor. This quality grade is determined by maturity and marbling scores, with abundant marbling being required.  Less than 2 percent of the nation's beef supply earns the designation of prime beef, which is why it’s considerably more expensive.

Beef inspection is mandatory and funded by the government, while beef grading is a voluntary practice that is paid for by the meat processors and subsidized by the beef industry (Those are the guys whose commercials say, “BEEF, it’s what’s for dinner!”).  When graded, beef is given a USDA shield stamp.  That purple colored shield is the most accurate way to determine what grade of beef you’re eating.  Unfortunately, after a restaurant portions the larger cuts of beef, the grade markings become nearly impossible to read.  So, restaurants can buy USDA select grades of meat and sell them as choice, and also buy choice and sell it as prime.  The goal is to make an extra buck by getting a premium price for a sub standard product.  Now that you have the facts, let’s get back to the story.

Ruth’s logo clearly says U.S. Prime.  “What the hell is U.S. Prime?”  After thirty years of cutting beef, I had never heard of it.  I e-mailed Ruth’s to find out exactly what was going on here.  In an automated E-mail response, I was told to expect an answer to my question in the next 7 days.  Isn’t technology great?  I also sent e-mails to several of Florida's Ruth’s Chris general managers, in an attempt to get a quicker response.  

I was stuck!  I needed a way to get answers and get them quickly, so I turned to the most capable organization I know; the United States Government.  While on the government’s USDA website, I found no reference to the term U.S. Prime.  A quick live chat session with a representative would yield nothing, because much to my surprise the USDA doesn’t have a live chat option.  I was force to submit a question in the “Ask the Expert” section.  I was stunned to find out the “expert” would need 3-5 business days to respond to my inquiry.  Is it just me, or is the efficiency of our government agencies slipping just a bit?

Since it was just day one of my mandatory 3-7 day e-mail response prison sentence, I wanted to see what my other favorite steakhouse was up to.  Morton’s Steakhouse website proudly announces they only serve USDA prime and has a section dedicated to cuts of beef and their grades (http://www.mortons.com/experience/steaks/).  I e-mailed Morton’s a question about Ruth’s U.S. Prime logo.  Given my great experiences at Morton’s, I was not surprised when I received an e-mail response in less than an hour.  Guest relations specialist Capri Kinney replied,  “Hi Brian, I can't really speak as to why Ruth’s Chris word it as "U.S. Prime" but according to their menu they do also serve USDA Prime.”

Okay, I was dialing a restaurant friend when my computer chimed in.  “You’ve got mail!”  I had received a response from one of Ruth’s general managers. 

Filet on the Menu) is an extremely tender cut and when it does come in as Choice, it is almost impossible to tell the difference.  All of the other cuts are always labeled as USDA Prime.  I am the GM of the Ruth’s Chris in Boca and I can assure you that Ruth’s Chris only serves what they say and that is USDA Prime Beef.  We have extremely high standards and uphold this each and every day.  Any additional information can be obtained by contacting the Home Office in Orlando, Florida.  Hope this helps

Bruce Kirschenbaum

I couldn’t control my laughter.  The logo has what looks like a U.S. Prime stamp?  The filets are USDA prime, unless they’re choice?  The USDA is now allowing restaurants to serve choice when prime isn’t available?  Okay, this response sounds a lot like my initials(that would be B.S.)  The fact is Ruth’s menu doesn’t say the filets are USDA prime because they aren’t, but Bruce thinks they are.  The logo is so misleading that Bruce doesn’t even know the filets aren’t prime.

Okay, now it was time to go to my ace in the hole and make that phone call.   My friend has trained staff at Ruth’s for years and would surely give me some straight answers.  While asking for anonymity he said the following; “The Cowboy and Regular Ribeye, NY Strip and Porterhouse Steak are all USDA Prime. The T-Bone and both Filets are USDA Choice.  The Filets are wet aged 10 to 14 days. Every other cut of beef is aged 24 to 28 days.”

Ruth’s filets are in fact USDA choice, but their logo boldly states U.S. Prime.  The omission of USDA prime designation from Ruth’s menu descriptions of the filet mignons and T-Bone, suggest they aren’t willing to go all the way with their logo’s implied message.   Sure I got a great steak, but Ruth’s Chris and other restaurants should not be allowed to deceive the public by putting slogans like U.S. PRIME, PRIME CUTS or CHOICE BEEF in their logo or on their menus, unless that is the only type of beef they are serving.  It is deceptive advertising and it shouldn’t be tolerated.    

This beef problem is at an epidemic level not just restaurants, but supermarkets too.  The next time you want the truth about your favorite restaurant or market, just ask to see the beef in its original cryovac packaging.  If you receive any hesitation or resistance to your request, you’ve got your answer.  The purple USDA stamp is a government guarantee to the consumer.  That guarantee shouldn’t be mocked by restaurants looking to pocket undeserved money, while deceiving the public.

Always remember, “You are what you eat”, but try to make sure you know what you’re eating.

Have a great night out, and when you ask your server what grade of meat you’ll be eating, tell ‘em that B.S. won’t cut it!   Please leave and Thanks!  Brian Silveira is a restaurateur and food lover from Fort Myers, Florida.