Something isn't Right!

Something isn’t right!

It was just the way I like it.  A simple, perfect plan, that started with dinner at 6:00 PM, followed by an 8:00 movie, and then back to the house for a clothing optional Jacuzzi.  If all goes well, my wife and I will be out of the 120 degree water by 11:00, and into the bedroom shortly thereafter.  Who’s smarter than me?  Don't answer that until you "Read the rest of the story." Thanks Paul Harvey!

Okay, so it’s not entirely romantic, especially when you consider I am planning the exact time at which I plan to give the Tempurpedic  the bounce test.  Before you question my need to plan a mattress warranty experiment, there are some factors you need to consider.  First of all, I am a man.  Heard enough ladies?  Guys, you know what I'm talking about, right?  Behind every romantic man, there's always  a motive.

This is how I envisioned my night out. I followed my own advice, and researched TripAdvisor for the best restaurant in Fort Myers.  With a 6:00 PM reservation confirmed, we should be seated no later than 6:15.  We’ll have drinks by 6:25, appetizers by 6:35, and entrees by 7:00.  At this point, I’ll be feeling like Hannibal Smith from the 1980’s sitcom The A-team.  Ah yes, “I Love it when a plan comes together!”  

I will take a post-meal restroom break just after finishing my entrée at about 7:15.  I find my Cialis works better with a full stomach.  I know what you're thinking.  “Why is Brian taking Cialis at his age?”  If you must know, Viagra and Levitra gave me headaches and blurred my vision, but that's not important.   Now that we've discussed my erectile dysfunction, let's get back to my night out.

On my way back from my 20mg uplifting lavatory break, I’ll grab the waitress.  Let me rephrase that, I’ll get the waitresses attention and order the chocolate lava cake, two spoons, and a celebratory candle.  The candle is to let my wife know that every night out with her is special.  Actually, I’m just trying to increase the odds of getting’ some action later.  Did you forget I was a man?  After finishing dessert at 7:40, we’ll pay the bill and  leave for the movies.  After two hours of laughing at the movies, everything else will slide into place. No pun intended. 

The following is what actually happened.  After an amazingly friendly greeting at the host desk, we were seated at 6:05.  My plan was perfect, but just a few minutes later, something isn’t right.  In the back of my mind I could hear John Madden's voice saying: "On paper, Brian looked great,  but that's why you play game."  A quick look up at the "game clock" showed 6:20 PM.  Where, and more importantly, who was our server?  At this point a waitress darted by the table and yelled , “I’ll be right with you.”  Why go see The Hangover II at 8:00, when our waitress could provide us with that nauseous feeling for free?

What the hell?  Okay, It’s not that bad yet, I’ll just make a few adjustments and we’ll be ready to order drinks, appetizers and entrees, when and if she returns.  It's 6:30 and she’s back, more frazzled than ever and apologetically says, “I’ll be right with you.”  My patience is wearing thin at this point, and I think we need to call a time out and find the manager.  Twenty five minutes without anything in front of us is too long.  Just as I get up, she's appears behind me like David Copperfield.  “Okay, did you want something to drink?”  Oh no, it’s worse than I thought, it must be her first night.  What happened to “Hello, how are you tonight?”  

I make a fleeting attempt to get this night back on track. With a jovial tone I announce, “We’re ready to order everything, not just drinks!” 

It is at this point, our dining experience could be better described Tom Cruise’s Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol being revealed before its December release date.  “I can only take your drink order,” she retorted.  This of course was done while she was chewing gum, and staring at another table that was flagging her down.  As my wife started to order a Margarita, she excused herself to attend to what was now a rather upset guest. 

She was about to add one, and possibly two more upset guests to her list.  She returned four minutes later, but it seemed like an eternity.  I made it very simple at this point.  We order dessert, entrees, appetizers and drinks in that order, at which time I stated that the drinks should be served first with a manager delivering them.  I'm not going to bore you with the gruesome details of how this dining adventure ended, because I'm sure you've been there, and done that.  Poor, inefficient service had cancelled my late evening shuttle launch and God only knows when the timing would be right to restart the countdown. 

By the time we finally left the restaurant it was 8:30. We had missed the movie, and my wife had come down with "a headache" and I ended up  sleeping on the couch alone, watching Cinemax.  Was this a bit of Karma coming back to teach me yet another important life lesson.  Actually,  I had only myself to blame for this disastrous evening.

Sure I had everything except penetration calculated down to the minute, but I had forgotten the most important part of dining out.  That’s right; I didn’t make sure to get a stellar server.

What could I have done?  Well, I will now give you a few tips to insure you get a great server.  I call them the FOUR R’s.

 

1. RESEARCH.   When you find a great restaurant review, make a note about the server that is mentioned in it.  Keep the name handy, and when you arrive at the host desk, don’t be afraid to ask for that server by name.
2. RESERVE. When you make your reservation, let the host know you are celebrating a special occasion and would like to also reserve a great server. 
3. REQUEST.  If you don’t have a particular server’s name, request the best server in the house when you check in.  Let the host know that you are willing to wait for a great server.  Believe me, the host staff knows who the best servers are, and more importantly, they know who the bad ones are.
4. RECORD.  That’s right, keep records.  When you find an outstanding restaurant, keep track of the best servers, the drinks and the food.  Keep a dining diary in the glove box of your car with the day, date, restaurant and servers name.  To jog your memory before your next visit, write a mini-review of your experience.

By not following the FOUR R’s, you are putting a night of fun and possibly some late night frolicking at RISK. 

Have a great night out, and when you get to the host desk, tell 'em Brian told you to ask for the best server in the house!  Please leave comments and answer the poll question.  Thanks again!

Brian Silveira is a restaurateur and food lover from Fort Myers, Florida.